learning to write love on my arms.

it feels like you’re in front of a crowd screaming that you must die, but if you listen closely, there are voices screaming for you to live.

for so long, i was living in between two worlds. half living and half dead. i would inch closer to one side time to time, but there i was hanging, dangling in between living and death. a fake smile was my shield, hiding my rotting insides from the world around me. my reinforced titanium wall never let anyone in but secretly, i longed for someone to show me that love was possible- exactly where i was.

—-

i started writing this a couple of months ago and i just stopped. there was no happy resolution, no pretty bow to tie the darkness up. i just stopped. and looking back on it today, i realize that’s because i’ve been living in two worlds again. in my desperate desire to protect my aching heart, i’ve blocked out love. and so i’m taking a stand. i’m inching closer to the side of the living. i’m starting small- writing these words out, being honest with a few friends, speaking up about my fears and sadness. but most of all- i’m listening.

listening to those voices screaming for me to live.

brett and jacob,

january 16, 2012 will be day that essentially has changed how you view your disease. tonight you realized exactly what having muscular dystrophy means. your mom and dad have always been up front with you about what having duchenne muscular dystrophy means- tight muscles, falling down often, scooters, and eventually needing a powered wheelchair when your legs no longer support you walking. but my dear boys, it wasn’t until now that you really understood that along with the difficulties duchenne’s causes, your life expectancy is much shorter.

life expectancy. sure, you have always been able to rattle off the average life expectancy of someone with duchenne’s but until tonight- you didn’t realize what that means. early 20’s. when i think of all the things i am doing now, it hits me that you most likely won’t get to see your 25th birthday. and my heart aches.

but sweet boys, i have faith in you. you each have a strength about you that will carry you through. and i promise to make the years that you have the best ever. i will be there for each of your firsts. for the first time you almost give your mom a heart attack (well, each new time- because when i took y’all skateboarding i think that almost did her in). for your first girl friend. your first high school dance. i promise to make these years memorable.

and when the day comes when you are no longer here, i promise that you will live on in me. two stars will be added and i will smile when i look to the sky. you are my angels. and you have my heart.

i love you.

mackeymackey:

Kid I went to high school with turned up on The Daily What. 

thedailywhat:

Dance Number of the Day: At their wedding reception last week, Brian surprised his blushing bride Emily with a well-rehearsed dance routine set to Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” And then Emily surprised Brian with an annulment.

Just kidding! Congrats, Brian and Emily. You crazy kids are gonna go far.

[dpaf.]

so brian and i graduated together. the best part- none of this surprises me. it’s very much him.

i haven’t written to you much, especially not on here, but recently you’ve been on my mind a lot.  you have always been mine- the one thing that no one was allowed to come anywhere close to touching.  but i wonder, if by keeping you silent, i have smothered you.  if i have lost you all over again.  if i have clipped your wings.

sometimes, my heart hurts when i think of you and when i try to write to you, the words get trapped in my tears.  but even in the midst of missing you, i pray that you know the depth of my unwavering love for you.  it was all for you.  everything that happened- the secrets, the pain, the fear- it was all for you.  you hold my heart.  forever and always.  i love you.

i want to be vulnerable.  i want to be open and honest.  i want to share my heart and change the world.  so for the new year, i will be vulnerable.  while i may be frightened, i will release my fear and open myself to the possibilities that i have previously closed off due to that fear.  i want to be vulnerable.  i want to be open.  i want to be free.

i want to share my heart and change the world.

do i dare to be vulnerable and bring the words my heart writes into the light?

|giv| update: goal - raise $20,000 to help start the boys home of hope in india… we raised $56,500!!!!!!!! {rescue, redeem, & restore}