when a three year old shows you Jesus
So I wrote what happened today to put into j’s book. This kid teaches me about Jesus so much:
Today was a rough day baby girl. You were over tired and instead of napping you screamed, cried, hit things, and refused to stay in bed. Raised voices and tears came from both of us in our exhaustion and frustration. But you finally fell asleep and when you woke up we were both in a better place.
When you woke up you said “nini I’m sorry for not listening and being mean. I was tired.” And after I forgave you, I asked you to forgive me for being frustrated towards you. And in all your grace and love you said, “oh nini. It’s okay. I forgive you. I love you even when you are frustrated and mad and sad. I just love you.”
Thank you for showing me Jesus, baby girl
sometimes remembering is hard.
you are beautiful. you are precious. I delight in you and I long to see your face.
sweetheart, talk to Me. that’s all I’m asking. you don’t have to have the “right” words, you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to have it all together. I want you to come to Me just as you are: lost, heartbroken, beautiful. you are beautiful. you are precious. do not hide your tears, bring them into the open so I can wipe them away. you are loved beyond all measure. I will never leave you or hurt you. you are My Beloved and I love you.
My sweet child. nothing you confess could make Me love you less. get it out. tell Me the deepest and darkest parts of you. I already know them, but I long to hear them from your lips. I want to hear your broken words bring light into the darkness. I will never leave you. I will never love you less. you are My Beloved. I have chosen you. I will never let you go.
I am not mad at you. I have not left you. you are not alone my child. as you lie in bed all day crying because you feel lost and alone, I am there. I am lying next to you, holding you in My arms. I will never let you fall. come to Me. trust, Beloved.
you don’t have to take away the parts of you that you believe are bad, I want all of you. I want the bruises, the hurts, the brokenness- I want all of you. I want the smiles, the laughter, the tears, and the anger. I love you always.
I do not expect you to be perfect and I don’t want to take control away from you. for I am patient and I am loving. I will wait for you, but most importantly, I will wait with you- calling out to you, asking you to come closer to Me. asking you to trust Me. put it down sweetheart, you don’t need it anymore. not when you have Me to hold onto. these things you are doing to push Me away, won’t make me leave. I’m not going anywhere.
I’m not mad at you. please stop thinking you have to fix yourself before you can look at my face again. you must look at me in order to change anything. these things you are doing to push me away won’t make me leave. I’m not going anywhere. let me hold your hand when you are doing them and they will be burned away. please stop running from me. I don’t need you to be anything other than what you are. I see you. and I just want you to let me love you. why are you running? why are you trying to earn what is already yours?
I will never leave you. you can’t push Me away. look at Me.
look at Me.
I won’t let you drown for I love you beyond all words. you are beautiful and pure in my sight. I love you
forever and always.
i am so incredibly angry with you. as far as you are concerned i was the only one who did anything wrong. lost my way, made a mistake, screwed up. and there you sit, claiming that you pray for me to find Jesus again. can’t you see that i never lost him? i still love him and worship him and he still loves me.
it is so hard for me to show you grace but i have decided, that even in the midst of you causing me pain, i’m going to give you grace. i will be friendly towards you, even when you choose not to speak to me. i will pray for you when i want to speak ill about you. i will show you kindness when i receive none in return. i am incredibly angry with you, but i choose to show you grace.
i’ve always been good at holding onto resentments. staying angry, justifying my selfishness as a way to protect myself. i readily and eagerly cry out for mercy and grace when i mess up, but rarely do i freely offer it to others. especially those who have broken my heart and soul.
but deep in my heart, a word has been stirring. a thought, a tickle, and challenge. as my journey through the word vulnerable came to a close, i realized just how much i need grace and so this year i want to offer grace to others. expecting nothing in return.
when that friend lets me breaks another promise to me, when plans fall through again, when hurtful words are spoken in anger- i want to respond in grace. when fear fills my soul, when nightmares attack in the dark nights, and when patience is no where to be found- i want to respond in grace.
so here is to a new year. of challenges and heartbreak. of joy and possibilities. of continuing vulnerability and undeserving grace.
you have taught me so much this year. you opened my heart to love and pain but you also helped start to heal some of my deepest wounds. you humbled me and once or twice, i was sure that you were going to break me. but i found that i can bend. so as this year ends, and i leave you behind, i welcome what this new year, this new word will bring. and i thank you. for showing me that being vulnerable is a gift. and i too can survive.
I met god today. She was a new friend saying come sit with us. I met god today. He was a daddy, head over heals in love with his children. I met god today. His spirit drew out my voice, singing words I cannot speak. I met god today. His laughter rippled over our lunch and soothed this jagged heart. I met god today.