Waiting for the pain
There is nothing that scares her more than her own emotions. That’s why she never feels them. She just pushes them back inside and pretends they were never there to begin with. She does everything to prevent herself from feeling the pain, the abandonment, the despair, the excruciating doubt. Everything, to stop feeling the chaos that is going on inside of her. While she tries to distract herself with music, work, books and her imagination, the pain keeps oozing in. There seems to be no way to stop it. Yet she keeps distracting herself, because she knows the pain she feels now is just a fraction of the pain that is actually waiting inside of her to be felt. She doesn’t think she can handle the pain. Often she imagines herself lying on the bathroom floor, unable to get up, because the pain is pushing down on her so heavily. She fears she will crumble. She truly believes the moment she lets all the pain in, and the disappointment, the fear, the loneliness, she will break into a gazillion little pieces. Pieces so small they can’t be seen with the naked eye. She feels she will break into so many pieces that it will seem as if she has disappeared into thin air. She regrets not just feeling each emotion when it first washed over her, because now there is going to come a day on which she will start to feel all the emotions and the pain of the last few years at once. She is waiting for that day to come. It’s true, stranger. One day you won’t be able to ignore those feelings any longer. It will hurt like hell for a while, you will feel like dying, you will feel no hope, you will see no light at the end of the tunnel. You might even crumble. But after all that, you will build yourself up again and you will be okay, because you are stronger than you think.
