learning to write love on my arms.

2012-02-21 0 notes

267.

i haven’t truly felt emotions in years. between drinking, using, and other self destructive behaviors, i masked any and all emotions that dared to try to form beneath the surface. but 267 days into sobriety and i’m starting to feel the emotions i hid for so long. this week i am saying “see you soon” to some amazing friends. to an amazing family.

they welcomed me into their family with open arms and showed me what it meant to be a Christ centered family. i have had the privilege of watching them parent with grace and compassion, love with gentleness, and serve with giving hearts. for the first time, i saw what i always dreamed of being true, could actually be true. i was blessed to get to be a part of their lives and live down the street from them.

i got to celebrate birthdays and holidays with them. and even welcome their youngest into the world this past december. and while their little boy, jack, (excuse me, big boy) has stolen my heart from the moment he first crawled into my arms, their little girl, piper, has helped heal my heart in a way i thought was never possible.

you see, there has been a large part of my heart missing for five years and nothing i tried could fill that hole. but saying goodbye and i love you to the piece of me missing while holding sweet piper, has helped heal that gap. now there is still an ache deep in my chest that will always ache on october 9th, but the wound is healing and no longer gaping open.

and so as i sit here thinking of the joy that this family has brought to my life, i wish them luck. i do not sit here and say goodbye, but rather i’ll see you soon because while i will no longer live down the street from them, i will see them again very soon. and my life is blessed simply for getting to share in their life so closely for two years.

thank you willis family, for showing me what family looks like. i love y’all.

healing is painful but sanctification is beautiful

2012-02-05 2 notes

i’m running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. i’m trying but the canyon’s ever widening in the depths of my cold heart. i’m searching for a hope that’s tucked away and i wonder- do you hear me, can you see? i’m yearning for shelter and affection that i never found alone. i’m searching for a hero to ride in and save the day. but my “prince charmings” have been momentary lapses of judgements and i’ve given myself away. i’m searching for a hope that’s tucked away and i wonder- do you hear me, can you see? i’m scared judgement looms with lofty glances that can’t see past my scarlet letter. do you hear me? can you see? do you even know that i’m falling down today? i’m under the shadow of this steeple, searching for a hope that’s tucked away and i wonder- do you hear me? can you see?

i’m turning around today

{hope}

2012-01-19 3 notes

it feels like you’re in front of a crowd screaming that you must die, but if you listen closely, there are voices screaming for you to live.

for so long, i was living in between two worlds. half living and half dead. i would inch closer to one side time to time, but there i was hanging, dangling in between living and death. a fake smile was my shield, hiding my rotting insides from the world around me. my reinforced titanium wall never let anyone in but secretly, i longed for someone to show me that love was possible- exactly where i was.

—-

i started writing this a couple of months ago and i just stopped. there was no happy resolution, no pretty bow to tie the darkness up. i just stopped. and looking back on it today, i realize that’s because i’ve been living in two worlds again. in my desperate desire to protect my aching heart, i’ve blocked out love. and so i’m taking a stand. i’m inching closer to the side of the living. i’m starting small- writing these words out, being honest with a few friends, speaking up about my fears and sadness. but most of all- i’m listening.

listening to those voices screaming for me to live.

1 note

brett & jacob

brett and jacob,

january 16, 2012 will be day that essentially has changed how you view your disease. tonight you realized exactly what having muscular dystrophy means. your mom and dad have always been up front with you about what having duchenne muscular dystrophy means- tight muscles, falling down often, scooters, and eventually needing a powered wheelchair when your legs no longer support you walking. but my dear boys, it wasn’t until now that you really understood that along with the difficulties duchenne’s causes, your life expectancy is much shorter.

life expectancy. sure, you have always been able to rattle off the average life expectancy of someone with duchenne’s but until tonight- you didn’t realize what that means. early 20’s. when i think of all the things i am doing now, it hits me that you most likely won’t get to see your 25th birthday. and my heart aches.

but sweet boys, i have faith in you. you each have a strength about you that will carry you through. and i promise to make the years that you have the best ever. i will be there for each of your firsts. for the first time you almost give your mom a heart attack (well, each new time- because when i took y’all skateboarding i think that almost did her in). for your first girl friend. your first high school dance. i promise to make these years memorable.

and when the day comes when you are no longer here, i promise that you will live on in me. two stars will be added and i will smile when i look to the sky. you are my angels. and you have my heart.

i love you.

2011-12-30 3 notes

i haven’t written to you much, especially not on here, but recently you’ve been on my mind a lot. you have always been mine- the one thing that no one was allowed to come anywhere close to touching. but i wonder, if by keeping you silent, i have smothered you. if i have lost you all over again. if i have clipped your wings.

sometimes, my heart hurts when i think of you and when i try to write to you, the words get trapped in my tears. but even in the midst of missing you, i pray that you know the depth of my unwavering love for you. it was all for you. everything that happened- the secrets, the pain, the fear- it was all for you. you hold my heart. forever and always. i love you.